STORIES FATHERS

As we have seen in my book Real Healing After Caesarean, many women are diagnosed incorrectly with PND when they really are suffering from PN PTSD. This brings a lot of confusion to husbands in the way they should deal/help their wives and therefore suffer because there is not help at hand for them to understand them. This brings feelings of resentment and extreme anger in them and marriages are failing and there is no one to help.

We lost our first baby to an ectopic pregnancy    Story 1 PND

My wife became enrage Sdtory 2 PN PTSD

Is this PND, PP Psychosis, or PTSD? Story 3

Story 1 We lost our first baby to an ectopic pregnancy almost 4 years ago which was absolutely devastating for both my wife and I.  We had prepared so long to start a family and to have our first conceived child taken away from us was more than we could bear.  My wife and I bonded closely during this experience; we found most people didn’t understand how badly we felt so we took refuge in each others arms.  As sad as we were I was happy that we were close and sharing our feelings.  We needed that strength because we were unfortunate again in the fact that we had a terrible time conceiving once we had our courage up enough to try again.  My wife conceived after a few months our daughter. About three months after my daughter was born my wife came to me and said she didn’t feel the same way she used to.  She said we had marital problems and she didn’t feel close to me anymore.  She asked me if I felt the same way and I said no, I was never happier and I truly meant it.  I was finally getting adjusted to life with a baby. I felt nothing but love and affection for my wife which she seemed to not even notice. One day, a huge and terrible argument erupted.  I felt so lost and confused I didn’t know what to do.  It was like a stranger had come and replaced my warm and loving best friend with a woman with dead eyes and a cold heart. The days after became darker for us as my wife began to think of the baby as hers and not ours.   She seemed to only hate me and everything I did.  I hated going home.  I began to think about getting a dog to fill the void.  I felt like an outsider in my own home.  What bothered me the most was that I thought I wasn’t making the love of my life happy anymore – and I had no idea what I had done wrong. I kept thinking of all that we had been through together: losing our first baby, having the courage to battle through what seemed like a brick wall of fear to try again, fighting through over a year of fertility treatments, finally conceiving with no help from drugs or doctors, and then having the fortune of having the most wonderful child we could ever dream of.  All that didn’t seem to matter anymore in the eyes of my wife.  She seemed to have her prize – the baby – and was all done with me. I finally began to suspect that something else was wrong besides marital problems when I noticed that our two cats, of all things, were being treated as poorly and negligently as me.  My wife loved them so much before our daughter was born; now they seemed like pests who gave her nothing – just like me. My wife painfully admitted that she did indeed feel almost all other feelings listed on every list we looked at the PND website.  She was sad all the time.  She did feel totally lost.  And above all she said she felt disconnected from everything; not just me, but everyone and everything she used to enjoy.  The only thing she felt connected to was our baby. Finally about 10 months later, my wife went on medication.  This provided a boost to her moods and I began seeing glimpses of her former self.  This was terrific, but also dangerous because now I had to overcome fear to get close with her again.  In many ways for me, this was the most challenging part of the ordeal because she would have good days and bad days – one day she would be loving and kind and the next a total beast.  I never knew which way was up.  Just when I began to trust again an ugly incident would occur that would send me scurrying back down my emotional safety hole; safe from the dangers my wife represented. My wife began to ask for time away from the baby.  She began expressing her frustrations with parenting in general without feeling guilt, and the spark that had been missing for so long finally began to flicker behind her eyes.  The next few months were a slow process of trusting her again and accepting that most of what we experienced in terms of our distance and anger wasn’t either of our faults.  Let me say however that trusting again was very difficult.  I had been told I was a rotten husband and, perhaps even worse, a poor father.  Just when I needed the strength of my wife to get me through the difficult adjustment period of being a new father she had abandoned me.  Even with the disease as an excuse it took a lot of work on her part to get me back.  Thank God she tried so hard, because after about 4 months I felt I was well on my way to normalcy and happiness with her again.  I had my baby and my wife, not one or the other. The reason I’m writing this now is that my wife is now almost 7 months pregnant again.   I am so scared of losing her again I have had terrible anxiety the last couple months – more than I seem capable of handling.  I am so thrilled to be giving another child, but I am also frightened of the prospect of losing my best friend again.  I feel like a soldier with PTSD- post traumatic stress syndrome being taken back into battle. I worked so hard to get back to my wife, it seems too soon to have to let her go again.  I really need her.  But what can I do?  Like when we refused to let our fear of losing another baby stop us from trying again I wasn’t going to let fear of PND stop us from having another baby – and she wasn’t either. I feel like I was ripped off last time, as I’m sure my wife does as well.  It was supposed to be wonderful, but instead it was part wonderful, part nightmare.  I have had trouble juxtaposing both of those memories into one experience as I prepare for my next baby. TO UP

Story 2 About two weeks after the birth, my wife became enraged. She was complaining about smoke in the house and started crying and throwing objects around the house. She told me to leave the house or she would divorce me.  I left and returned after an hour hoping she would have calmed down while I was away. As soon as I returned, my wife threatened to go outside with our child who was not wearing any warm clothing on that cold day. I told her that if she did not calm down and stay in the house, I would call the police. I was left with no choice. As soon as I dialed 911, my wife ripped the telephone cord, and it cut my hand. The police showed up. It took the presence of three police officers to calm her. After the police left, I held my wife for two hours straight until I was convinced she was better. Never again did my wife exhibit that type of behavior until our second daughter was born. But, with our second daughter, it was a hundred times worse. I did not want to relive the memories of the past. This was the reason why I was not ready to have a second child. It took us seven years before we had our second child. While at the hospital for the birth of my second child, the nurses tried four times to deliver the baby, without any physician present. On the fourth attempt, our daughter was apparently too large for a vaginal delivery. Her head got stuck in the birthing canal and within the next five minutes, my wife was rushed in for an emergency Cesarean operation. She stayed in the hospital for the next three days.  Not less than two days after coming home, all hell broke loose in our house. A visiting home nurse checked on the status of my wife on day two. I told her that my wife was experiencing postpartum depression. After hearing that statement, my wife lashed out, 'no, I am not'. All the nurse could do was to give my wife her business card in case my wife wanted to talk. After the nurse left, my wife threw the card in the rubbish bin. My wife was very emotionally unstable. She quickly became enraged. She was very irritable, irrational, hostile and threatening. I was very fearful of her actions. Nothing seemed to please her at all. Trying to talk to her was a waste of time. It only made matters worse.. Her most infamous line was that no one was listening to her. If I were to list all of her irrational actions especially those within the first two weeks, it would sum up to over a hundred events. I tried everything that I could think of to calm her down but nothing seemed to work. Then one day, my wife took a dowel rod and threatened our eldest daughter with it. I quickly grabbed our daughters arm and pulled her away. We went upstairs and barricaded the bedroom door because our daughter thought that her mother was going to come after her with the dowel rod. I went back downstairs and told my wife that I cannot take it anymore and I would get you help tomorrow. Our daughter stayed at my mothers' home for the next two days. She was fearful of being with her mother. Not knowing exactly where to turn to for help, I tried speaking to her gynecologist. He was of no help. He just gave me a business card of a psychiatrist to call. I called that number but only got a recording telling me to call the delivery hospital. I ended up driving to the hospital where I spoke with a social worker who instructed me to call the police. I ended up driving to the police station and told them of my wife's actions and how I was referred to them by the social worker. The police came over to our home and spoke with my wife. Her relatives whom knew nothing of her actions the last two weeks started yelling out to my wife to divorce me. All I wanted was for my wife to be back to her normal self. While at the hospital, I went into detail with the physician of my wife's actions. He appeared to understand everything I said. He then tried calling around at mental hospitals where my wife could taken in. He told me that there was no vacancy in them. After about twelve hours, my wife and I went back home. It took my wife thirteen months to make a near complete recovery. Through all the hell at home, I suffered from 28 panic attacks and ended up in a hospital for two weeks. I was very upset that I was unable to get my wife help. I had tried a second time to get to get her help, but due to the ignorance of people whom I entrusted for assistance, no one ever told me to contact those who specialized in postpartum disorders. Unknowing to me a social worker told the Social Services authorities that my wife had physically harmed our children. I do not know how she could have misunderstood me. My wife had only threatened our eldest daughter. I wanted to seek help for my wife, because I feared that she would harm them later if I had done nothing at all. In December 2002, I did learn about Post natal illnesses from a newspaper article, but it was too late. The damage of the past had already materialized, I lost my family. For the next two years, I began to educate myself on postpartum disorders. I wanted to know why I was unable to find help and why my wife's relatives offered no support. I also needed to know for sure if in fact my wife did indeed suffer from a postpartum behavior mood disorder. To this day, I remain very active as an activist and advocate for this debilitating illness and for the women who suffer and for the families whom are torn apart because of it. My research showed that the reason why I was unable to find her help was because of the ignorance of health care providers whom were at a loss of where to turn to for proper care. In September 2004, I had the honor to speak to 37 nursing students at a local college on postpartum disorders and how stigma can prevent one from getting treatment. I have attended many seminars and spoken to many people. TO UP

Story 3 I do not know “what is going on with my wife”.  I have even performed Internet searches with that exact phrase.  I have talked to psychologists to try to help me, but thus far, nothing I do is a help to her.  Some opinions would possibly help me to understand, to know what to do, to have some peace, to know what to expect, etc. Because of my nineteen month old son, who is a miracle, I have filed a complaint with the court seeking custody and equitable distribution.  I do not want a legal separation or divorce.  I do not want to be doing any of this, but I have no choice.  I must secure my son and hope my wife will be forced to a point of help. We have been married for nineteen years.  In 1999, she left for a period of about 2.5 years, but we maintained a relationship.  When I threatened divorce, she begged me to be patient.  She said she would get help and took medication. It was the best it had ever been.  She agreed to try to have a baby (my heart’s desire).She said what a wonderful job I did in caring for her.  She needed me, and it was nice to be needed.  Our son arrived a month early.  The delivery went fast and well, but he was in ICU for eleven days prior to coming home.  My wife had PND.  She progressively turned on me.  She didn’t cry anymore.  She was just mean, manipulative, and lying.  She did not want me to bond with my son. Many other things happened in her life.  Her best friend divorced.  Her sister was battling breast cancer.  Her mother was suddenly acting strange and was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  Her sister and mother were admitted to the same hospital on the same day.  Her sister died.  All of this was before my son’s first birthday. She began telling me I needed to go back to my counselor.  She began telling others I have a chemical imbalance.  She made us an appointment with my counselor.  She told me it was at 9:00 pm.  I tried to reason with her, but could not.  On the day of the appointment, he called after 9:00 AM looking for us.  She reestablished the appointment, but didn’t tell me when it was until my alarm sounded on that day.  When I asked her why she didn’t tell me, she said it was written on the calendar. She parked her shopping cart against another vehicle, and then argued with the stranger when he complained.  Her response was “I have a baby!”  She caused an accident and fled the scene.  She wasn’t caught, but again justified her actions by saying there was no damage, it was disturbing, they were OK, etc., etc., and “I had a baby”. Intimacy since our son was born was rare.  Prior to that it had been good. At Christmas, she made all plans without telling me.  I felt it important for us to establish traditions for our son in our own home.  She went to family prior to Christmas, and then asked me where I was.  The list goes on and on.  She would not come home with my son until I went to a psychologist.  She made the appointment for “us”.  The doctor talked to me, and gave her a referral.  He said I do not have a problem except that I refuse to accept the fact that my marriage is in the toilet (my words, not his).  He said she cannot be helped without long-term counseling.  She never went to the referral. After this appointment, she said she was leaving again to go to a consignment sale in our hometown.  I told her she could go, but not to take our son again.  I told her I would go back to the attorney if she took him again.  She didn’t care.  I went to court, and now have temporary custody half of the time.  I am concerned for my son’s safety while out of my care.  He comes back to me cut and bruised.  These may be normal for a toddler, but she tries to conceal them until she is gone. Now that I am responsible for my son, I must act responsibly.  I requested court-ordered psychological evaluations.  This will be the first time for her, and it will be more than one meeting.  I know the court doesn’t care about my marriage or my love for my wife, but I am helpless. Will a good psychologist be able to see through her façade?  I love her now more than ever, but I know she doesn’t see it.  How will she ever know the pain I feel for her?  How will she ever know how much I love her?  I could understand death, but I cannot understand any of this.   Things that should mean something do not.  Why does she run to her childhood home?  She acted as though she is seventeen again and wanted an occasional date. As a man and an engineer I need to be able to understand what is happening.  Is this PND, PP Psychosis, or PTSD?  Will she ever come out of it?  Will she ever love me again?  How can I show her love while being responsible toward my son and our finances?  I hate being in the legal system trying to protect my son, help my wife, and save our marriage. Will my son be secure?  Will my wife be helped?  Will all of the external people finally see and quietly excuse themselves from my family affairs? The biggest hurt has been that I have been alone in the experience, some of my family and friends say “let her go”, and some of her family and friends say I am the jerk.  I don’t care about the past.  She is the only wife I want, and she is the mother of my son. Why wasn’t I told in childbirth classes, by the doctors, or by anyone, to be aware of symptoms of Post Natal Illnesses? Normal life issues and marriage problems take on whole new meanings with PND (if this is truly what it is).  Everything becomes fuel for the fire. It is heartbreaking to see my wife in chaos and not be able to do a thing to help her.  My wife’s treatment (or mine) is a separate issue from the custody case.  This is still so frustrating.  We are on a path I don’t want to be on, but I was given no choices. TO UP

Buy Real Healing After Caesarean A Book written by a PTSD survivor.

Send your Story

Receiving help

Stories of Mothers