Help Woman and Children

Story 3 :I can't ring any of the help lines because I just cry so much I can't talk

I don't really know where to start but I suppose listening to other people the actual birth of my daughter was relatively normal up until near the end. I stayed at home as long as possible and when I got into the labour ward I was 6cm dilated and the midwife felt it would be straightforward. After 2 hours of pushing with the assistance of pethadine and gas and air my contractions stopped. I chose to be put on a drip not realizing the pain this would cause, and from then on everything was a haze until I was exhausted and the midwife said she would have to get the doctor. A ventouse delivery followed. I had to be dragged to the end of the bed to be put into stirrups. The doctor took 15 minutes to get the cap on the baby’s head, by which time my husband was getting distressed and nearly fainted. The room was tiny and seemed to be full of people and there was blood and faeces all over the place. It didn't seem that long until the baby was in my arms and if that was all that happened it probably wouldn't be that bad.

However about an hour after the birth once I'd made my happy phone calls and had a cuddle with my baby I had the most awful pain in what I thought was my back passage. I had to order my husband to get someone because the pain was such that I thought I might die. Whilst taking gas and air the midwife tried to make me comfortable while trying to find out where the pain was. My husband was left in a room with the baby, not knowing what was going on. Suddenly I was rushed to theatre and had surgery but no-one told me what for!. Later I was returned to the labour ward and kept there for the day so I could be looked after. The nurses kept bringing me ice packs for my vaginal area and I was sedated. Meanwhile my baby lay sleeping beside me. That night I was transferred to a ward with my baby. My parents-in-law came and I whispered to them that they needed to have a talk to my husband because he was traumatized. I don't think I realized it was also me that was traumatized. The days that followed were hell. I was bed ridden for practically a week. There was hardly any staff so I lay in bed faecally incontinent, and in pain most of the time. My husband had to come in every day to look after the baby because the staff didn't have the time. I was continually crying and given a room of my own when the doctor did her rounds (two days after being on the ward) when she saw the state of me. My vaginal area was puffed up like a rugby ball and I had piles. I had 36J breasts which became engorged. I fainted each time I tried to get out of bed and I had a husband from the 'don’t make a fuss' school. I wished I was dead on more than one occasion and within a week my baby hadn't been bathed and I hadn't changed her once because I was took weak. I was discharged after 7 days even though I could hardly walk (although by that time I was just glad to get home.) The consultant came on the discharge day and I asked her what had gone wrong. She drew a diagram and explained that I'd had two massive blood clots either side of the perinium from the pushing because my daughters head was leaning back rather than tucked in to her chest. - 'Unlucky' she described it as!. Anyway it took weeks - months to get over physically. The piles were still giving me agony months later and I cried every time I thought of it all. One memory of a girl in the next cubical being left in bed hours after a section birth with her baby screaming, and her screaming for someone to help her baby - but no-one came and I was bedridden just through the curtain unable to help her. The humility of someone commenting about the smell - which I knew was me because no-one had time to give me a wash. I thought I was over it all - it’s nearly two years ago, but I got pregnant 3 months ago and it all came flooding back. I was so afraid of it happening again that I was going to ask for a section. It was making me cry all over again and I couldn’t sleep for thinking of it. Anyway I had a miscarriage last month and now I don't know what’s worse, the though of it happening again - or it being my only chance at motherhood. The trouble is I know miscarriage is common but I can't help but think that maybe I'm mentally not strong enough to get through another pregnancy and maybe this is nature way of saving my sanity. I just don't know what to think but I know I need help. I can't ring any of the help lines because I just cry so much I can't talk.